Today I snapped.
It has been over two months since my last Nondrick fix, and I just can't take the withdrawal any more. If I can't sate my hunger with witty humor and/or satire, then I'll just have to satisfy myself with acts of depravity.
This morning I killed my first baby.
I'd heard all about this common side effect of Nondrick withdrawal. I'd already witnessed others succumbing to it. Still, I never thought it would happen to me. The little tyke was just sitting there, staring at me. I didn't want to watch him for my aunt anyways! He was getting on my nerves, with his drooling and burbling . . .
That's when I bore witness to a strange and disturbing transformation. Before my own eyes, little Phillip's face came to resemble a familiar, bulbous, fish-eyed visage that I think any one of us would recognize. I found myself inundated with rage and blood-lust, and my vision went red.
When I came to my senses I was smeared with gore and formula. All that remained of Phillip was a smoking diaper.
What have you done to me, Chris? May God have mercy on us all.
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